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Make your commute more like the Tour de France (alternative version)

road.cc team gets inspired to provide some silly riding to work tips

Spotting that a certain other cycling publication has provided tips on how to make your commute more like the Tour de France, we threw a few ideas round road.cc towers regarding what else you might want to consider. Here’s what we came up with.

Make your commute more like the Tour de France by ...

... taking a 2,000-mile, circuitous route to the office (starting abroad every two or three days)

... only riding to work for three weeks each July, but cycling to the office at weekends and leaving the bike at home for the second and third Mondays

... having a friend drive a van ahead of you while chucking sweets and cheap keyrings at passers-by

... getting Chris Boardman to do a Periscope pointing out key features of the route such as potholes, badly parked cars and woeful infrastructure

... riding with eight pals and 190 other people, with mates and spouses following you in their cars

... waiting at the traffic lights just after you've punctured and grabbing the bike from the next cyclist who stops there

...  throwing your jacket into the open window of a car once the rain's stopped

... watching a Wiggle advert at every traffic light

... pulling up at the side of the road if you’re caught short and whipping it out from under your bibshorts while balancing the bike between your thighs

... bouncing off a car, losing loads of skin and carrying on to the office anyway rather than going to A&E like a normal person

... belting into Parliament Square at top speed, whacking mobiles out of the hands of Big Ben selfie-taking tourists as you go

... asking passers-by to spit on you and throw piss in your face (granted, this may be more like a normal commute in some areas)

... passing an old lady on a sit up and beg before you crest Cambridge’s Hills Road railway bridge, then changing into a polka dot jersey when you get to work

... shepherding a colleague along the route then leaving them for dead once the office comes into sight, thereby avoiding the need to ever talk to them again (though your partners may have words)

... standing on a step and objectifying two female colleagues when you arrive, then taking a cuddly toy to your desk

... retreating into your cubicle in a sulk after a tough ride to work and chucking your helmet at any colleague who approaches

... undergoing a blood transfusion by the photocopier

... having all your commutes from a seven-year period deleted from Strava and replaced by a blank space and an asterisk

... watching highlights of it at 11.30pm every night, commentated on by two blokes who know bugger all about cycle commuting but can point out interesting buildings en route.

Do you have any more tips to add to the list? Let us know in the comments below. Thanks to Cycling Weekly for the inspiration.

Simon has been news editor at road.cc since 2009, reporting on 10 editions and counting of pro cycling’s biggest races such as the Tour de France, stories on issues including infrastructure and campaigning, and interviewing some of the biggest names in cycling. A law and languages graduate, published translator and former retail analyst, his background has proved invaluable in reporting on issues as diverse as cycling-related court cases, anti-doping investigations, and the bike industry. He splits his time between London and Cambridge, and loves taking his miniature schnauzer Elodie on adventures in the basket of her Elephant Bike.

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