Parallel arguments to confuse gammons

You've heard it before, now lets come up with the best counter arguments:
Cyclists don't pay road tax!
Hasnt existed for decades, VED based on emissions, electric car and low emissions vehicles don't pay it either so bicycle with no engine is impossible to tax on such a matter.
Counter argument from cyclist to gammon-
you don't pay as much tax as me to pollute the road so i've got more right to be on it than you do.
Only works if you've got vehicles with engines. I have a kawasaki er5, a 2019 sv650, a 2005 husqvarna enduro, a 1998 corsa and a 2012 nissan cabstar, ved total this year 594 quid. Probably more than most people who simply own cars. Would be good to say back to an electric cabbie trying to tell you to pay tax.[Already have mate, nearly 600 quid, what have you contributed?''

Cyclists should use cycle lanes, they slow down the traffic!
Agree, cyclists should use cycle lanes. When they exist. They don't exist in england, not proper ones. Cycle lane ok painted line side of road, often worn out surface so super bumpy to road bike. Cycle track or path, only if you consider the castlemain trailway in dorset, the old train line way, don't know of any others, enlighten me of any.
Shared paths or ones with that blasted little blue sign on, segrated from pedestrians or fully mixed, still not useable at any good speed, downright dangerous on road bike, side roads, give way, bumps, subways, glass, more bumps, old people, children, dogs, dogs on leads, dogs off leads, go wrong way, no priority and have to keep stopping for the traffic light buttons.
Counter argument_
average speed of a cyclist in town is on par, if not above that of a car. Especially during heavy congestion, when cars get in OUR way all the time. If you love the cycle lane and cycle path so much, how come you're avoiding it and sitting stationary for ten miles whilst complaining about everyone else behind and in front of you, all slowing you down, but you never change, you just sit there and whine about the empty cycle lane.
Sell your car, buy a bicycle and use the cycle lane if you're so incensed about their usage.
Cyclists should get insurance!
No, because we aren't deemed dangerous enough. A road bike and rider is maybe 100 kg. Even at 30 mph hitting a car, the rider and bike will come off far worse. Your car will not be injured very badly. Your insurance could claim off the riders house insurance policy if really needed. Cyclists killed what, two peds in 2019, cars killed 1800. Most of us do have insurance anyway, for peace of mind, but trying to force something so mandatory hasnt exactly worked for all the registered vehicles out there, now has it?
Cyclists should have numberplates!
A possiblity. I'd have no problem putting a plate and registering my bike if i was told i had to.But i wouldnt bother trying to make it law. Again, because of the little danger a cyclist poses to other people. Thats why cars have numberplates. To make them identifiable in a crash. How would you make school children get registered numberplates? where would you attach them?
Cyclists should pass a test to use the road.
Most of us have. In fact some of us have probably passed more tests than you have.
Cyclists tend to be more intelligent people, i have noted. Me personally, i passed my car test, my small motorbike test, my big bike test, five CBTS and my hgv licencing that cost over three grand throughout a two year span. Think i know how to use the road on already thankyou. It doesnt stop people operating cars without licences on the road atm does it?
Cyclists are hard to overtake, especially when they ride two or more abreast, they should be single file and get close to the kerb where they belong.
No- it is EASIER to pass cyclists riding two abreast. As long as they arent right over into the oncoming lane, a car will still be able to leave 1.5 metres between the left hand side and the far right hand side rider if the overtake is done properly. Anyone who tries to pass a cyclist with them against the gutter is an idiot. Its more dangerous for someone to be riding on such a crap surface and encourages drivers to squeeze past closely in the same lane. We can see this at pinch points many times over. If there isnt room to overtake, then you wait behind. Just how you would if there wasnt room to overtake a car in front of you, just like when you sit in a long traffic queue. Do you get out the car and yell at the driver in front to keep left out your way?

Why don't you use the cycle lane[ part two]
Why don't you use the bus?
The bus service isnt adequate, it doesnt go where i want to or run on time, it doesnt go to my house and its a lot slower than driving.
You've just answered your own question. A shared path isnt fast enough, doesnt go to my house or where i'm going, it takes longer than using the road, so i wont use it.

Why dont you use the bloody cycle lane instead of holding up the traffic?
It isnt cyclists who create traffic, since we can filter, we never get stuck in these ''traffic jams'' we often hear about. I've never had a problem on motorbike or bicycle with a traffic jam. What vehicle is causing them then? The cars... obviously.
Unable to out manouvere eachother, the car cannot be any less than two abreast unless the design is changed. This means it is too wide to pass a cyclist in the same lane, so the driver must wait until it is safe to do so. The car must be licenced and insured for public road use as the risk of operating such a vehicle is so high to others. If the driver is competent, they will have no issue passing a cyclist. A non compentent driver will whinge to the daily mail, complain that cycle lanes create traffic and moan they get stuck in car parks for two hours outside the hospital or lidl then blame cyclists for it.

The real reason non cyclists hate drivers? Jealously and lack of intelligence or thought process, coupled with ever increasing car numbers and space.
There's nearly 40 million cars on the roads here. If you've got oncoming traffic throughout the day, you will have to plan your overtake of a cyclist carefully. Its different to just mind numbingly following a car in front of you.
People are quite content to sit in traffic for miles in cars, without ever once feeling angry enough to get out and fight the driver in front of them, or say sorry to the person behind them for getting in their way. They wont say sorry to cyclists, bikers, van drivers, builders or hgv drivers [me]. for being too slow. Theyre perfectly ok to sit two or even three abreast on 40,60, or even 70 mph roads without moving and never once wondering why they arent moving. A cyclist, single file or two abreast, never comes to a complete stop on a road[ bar traffic lights], whereas cars do, for ages. The cyclist doesnt STOP you. Cars do.

Anyone who complains about cyclists or doesnt like them being on the road, must be regarded as a child who hasnt developed the sense to be let loose on the public road yet.
Bloody car drivers, not using the motorway and clogging up our towns and cities, sitting two abreast, not using the bus or cycle lane and causing the country to come to a standstill! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jHZYLIY2azY so hard to pass, isnt it.

I would also counter act argue, that there is a law or guidance in the highway code, that says along the lines of anyone who obstructs traffic on a highway is guilty of an offence. Ok, so if you put a car on the road and dont move it above a walking pace for many minutes, thats not causing an obstruction? What about other drivers behind you, or lorry drivers trying to make deliveries? Why are you just sat there and yet you never get fined for this obstruction offence?
If we cycled at 1 mph on a major road, taking up three quarters of it, then looked back at the queue behind us and said, no we arent breaking any law or obstructing anyone, we'd probably end up being run over or attacked. But if we say that to a car driver in traffic, who quite clearly IS driving at that speed, causing an obstruction to everyone, not just us, there is no offence committed, [apparently]. I find this very hypocritical. From before lockdown, here is part of my commute home. Bloody cyclists, forcing me to such a slow speed! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nGmu_UAQVg Am I being a dick here, or missing something?