Video: Top ten post-ride tips

Chuck bike into hallway - bonus points if you don't take a strip of wallpaper off.

1 bottle cherry coke, 1 litre electrolyte drink, 1 nesquick drink.

Have a victory poo.

Fully intend to eat something proper but lose the will to move and order a pizza. On occasion have the foresight to buy a chicago town takeaway. Have a clementine to balance it out.

Half-hour shower, spend 25 minutes groaning and the last 5 half-arsedly actually getting washed. First two minutes experience intense stinging in the eyes as the salt all over your face turns into brine.

Realise that you still have chainring marks on your legs. Neglect to give a shit.

Have a quick lie down. Wake up 10 minutes later due to cat pawing at your face because you've forgotten to feed it.

all the above - wonderfull
I hadnt realised that RoadCC was really a satirical mag right up there with the best

Stop at pub, stretch hamstrings, order a pint of foaming rehydration solution. Then top up protein and salt levels with some of Nobby's finest, followed by more rehydration.

Phone wife and tell her you've had a puncture and need a lift home.

Don't the pros stop at the pub half way through a ride and at the end of the ride then? I confess I am surprised.

I have just read Tyler Hamilton's book... how about a bottle of fizzy water and sleeping pills after a long ride. Which is how to have 3.7% body fat

1. Have a shower you dirty, sweaty beggar.

I started going for massages after rides but I was spending so much on extras that my wife became suspicious. Next thing I knew I came home and all my stuff and my bikes were out on the drive and the locks have been changed. What's more I picked up an embarrassing infection.

Run a lovely deep bath,
Make a cup of tea,
Get into bath,
2-5 minutes later, disturbed by returning family, get out of bath,
Get down to B&Q (other DIY stores are available!),
Paint shed /Wendy house /big person's house,
Cook dinner,
Read stories,
Cook more dinner,
Tidy house,
Do the work put off while checking Strava / road.cc,
And RELAX!

Dump bike in hall.
Get a can of fat coke from the shop.
Dump stinking sweaty kit on the bedroom floor.
Lie on the sofa for two hours with a tin of Ambrosia rice pudding waiting for the tennis/ superbikes/water polo/ cage fighting to finally finish before the cycling comes on.
Moan on road.cc about the price of Rapha stuff
Waste 4min 51 minutes of your life watching a video about how to 'Recover Like A Pro' when you are not a pro and have no desire to be one.

Real world top ten:

1. Check your stats - check Strava then text your mate to tell them you just beat them. Get a blank look from the missus when you tell her you got that KOM. Blame your equipment or weather if you are slower.

2. Think about cleaning your bike, then put it off til tomorrow.

3. Take a recovery drink - milk no sugar thanks.

4. Rehydrate - pint of water with a beer chaser.

5. Give the wife a massage to make up for being out all day and leaving her with the kids.

6. Eat the right meal - I'll have naan and extra poppadoms please.

7. Stretch - play with the kids in the garden.

8. Have a nap - ha ha ha ha ha ha.

9. Have an ice bath - or an ice cold beer

10. Stay off your feet - you don't have children do you?

Blame someone else for being so late back, go to the supermarket, buy some beer at the same time, take kids to the park, later do the washing up, knowing that you need to build up those riding credits.

Bike wash, massage, ice bath, stay off your feet. Don't know about you lot but meanwhile in the enthusiastic amateur world with the wife and kids...

Would be nice to have a soigneur to wash my bike after every ride!