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We asked AI to write us an anti-cyclist article in the style of Jeremy Clarkson: Here's what it came up with

We think all of us can at least agree that the AI is in top gear

The Sun's latest anti-cycling tirade by Jeremy Clarkson was so bland that someone suggested it's as if they got an AI to write it while he's away on holiday. Well, we actually tried it out (with ChatGPT of course) and the result mildly shocked us, which is more than the emotion we felt while reading Saturday’s edition of The Sun.

After a pretty hostile reaction to a previous Sun column picking on a certain member of the Royal Family, Jeremy Clarkson returned to his familiar safe space for this weekend's effort.

But with such tired old tropes being wheeled out yet again, there was some speculation that the former Top Gear presenter could have just got AI to file his anti-cycling article for this week's paycheck while he sat back. So, what would happen if we asked AI to write us an anti-cycling article in the style of Mr Clarkson? Here goes... 

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a bone to pick with a certain group of people who have been causing chaos on our roads for far too long. Yes, I'm talking about cyclists. Now, I know what you're thinking - "Oh, here we go again, another rant about cyclists from a car enthusiast." But let me tell you, this isn't about cars vs bikes. This is about common sense vs madness.

I mean, have you seen these Lycra-clad lunatics? They think they own the road! They whizz past you on the pavement without a care in the world, and then expect you to give way to them when they're on the road. And don't even get me started on those traffic lights. Why bother having them at all when cyclists just sail through them as if they don't exist?

But it's not just their disregard for traffic laws that bothers me. It's the way they ride. They wobble all over the place like they're drunk, and then they have the audacity to blame motorists for not giving them enough space. Newsflash, cyclists - if you're going to ride on the road, you need to be able to control your bike. It's not rocket science.

And what's with all the accessories? Helmets, reflective jackets, little lights on their bikes - it's like they're trying to make up for their lack of horsepower with all this flashy gear. But let me tell you, no amount of neon yellow is going to save you from a two-tonne SUV hurtling towards you at 60 miles an hour.

And don't even get me started on the Tour de France. It's like a bunch of grown men in nappies, cycling around France like it's some sort of achievement. And what do they win? A silly little yellow jersey. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to put up with the traffic chaos they cause.

Now, I know there are some of you out there who will defend cyclists to the death. You'll tell me how they're reducing congestion and pollution, how they're getting exercise and staying healthy, how they're saving the planet. But let me tell you, all of that is just a load of hot air. The truth is, these anti-car zealots are just trying to force their lifestyle choices on the rest of us.

So, if you see a cyclist on the road, don't give them an inch. Don't let them push you around. Stand up for yourself and for the right of motorists to use the road without fear of being run over by some idiot on a bike. It's time to put an end to this madness once and for all.

So, what do you think, is the AI Clarkson's column better than the effort from the man himself? Let us know in the comments as always...

Adwitiya joined in 2023 as a news writer after graduating with a masters in journalism from Cardiff University. His dissertation focused on active travel, which soon threw him into the deep end of covering everything related to the two-wheeled tool, and now cycling is as big a part of his life as guitars and football. He has previously covered local and national politics for Voice Wales, and also likes to writes about science, tech and the environment, if he can find the time. Living right next to the Taff trail in the Welsh capital, you can find him trying to tackle the brutal climbs in the valleys.

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eburtthebike replied to Boopop | 1 year ago

It's eeriely accurate, and frightening how good AI actually is.

VIPcyclist | 1 year ago

I ask the Bing chat AI, ChatGPT, to do a pro cycling article in the style of Jeremy Clarkson here it is.

# Why I love cycling and you should too

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I, Jeremy Clarkson, the man who has driven more cars than anyone else on the planet, the man who has made a career out of mocking cyclists and their silly outfits, the man who once said that the only good cyclist is a dead one, have gone mad.

But I haven't. I have seen the light. And the light is a bicycle.

Yes, you heard me right. A bicycle. A two-wheeled contraption that requires no fuel, no tax, no insurance, no MOT, no licence, no parking fees, and no congestion charge. A machine that can take you anywhere you want to go, at any speed you like, with no emissions, no noise, no traffic jams, and no road rage. A device that can make you healthier, happier, smarter, and sexier.

Don't believe me? Well, let me tell you why cycling is the best thing ever.

First of all, cycling is fun. There is nothing like the feeling of freedom and exhilaration that comes from pedalling along a country lane, or whizzing down a hill, or weaving through a city street. You feel alive, you feel adventurous, you feel invincible. You can explore new places, discover new things, meet new people. You can go as fast or as slow as you want, stop whenever you want, take whatever route you want. You are in control.

Secondly, cycling is good for you. It burns calories, builds muscles, strengthens bones, improves cardiovascular health, lowers blood pressure, reduces stress, boosts mood, enhances memory, and increases creativity. It can also prevent or delay a range of diseases and conditions, such as obesity, diabetes, heart disease, stroke, cancer, dementia, and depression. And it can make you look younger and more attractive. Trust me on this one.

Thirdly, cycling is good for the planet. It produces zero carbon dioxide, zero nitrogen oxides, zero particulate matter, zero hydrocarbons, and zero noise pollution. It reduces congestion, saves space, improves air quality, and promotes biodiversity. It also saves money and resources that would otherwise be spent on fossil fuels and car maintenance. And it can help to create a more sustainable and equitable society.

So there you have it. Cycling is fun, healthy, eco-friendly, and cheap. It is the ultimate form of transport for the 21st century. And I'm not alone in thinking this way. More and more people are ditching their cars and getting on their bikes. Even celebrities and politicians are joining the cycling revolution.

So what are you waiting for? Get yourself a bike and join me on the road to happiness. You won't regret it.

And if you see me on my bike, don't honk your horn or shout abuse at me. Just wave and smile. Because I'm Jeremy Clarkson. And I love cycling.

Obviously any mention of Clarkson is pure fiction.

eburtthebike | 1 year ago
1 like

Have you offered to write his column for him?  Or tell the editor you'll do it for half the price of a genuine one, nobody would ever know.  How much does he get paid for writing twaddle anyway?

Patrick9-32 | 1 year ago

That is upsettingly accurate!

Clem Fandango | 1 year ago

ChatGPT   pffft... you just took that from the comments under a DM article about a hardworking drivist being convicted for careless driving.

Jetmans Dad replied to Clem Fandango | 1 year ago
1 like

Clem Fandango wrote:

ChatGPT   pffft... you just took that from the comments under a DM article about a hardworking drivist being convicted for careless driving.

To be fair ... ChatGPT could literally have got some of its content from that very place. 


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