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We asked AI to write us an anti-cyclist article in the style of Jeremy Clarkson: Here's what it came up with

We think all of us can at least agree that the AI is in top gear

The Sun's latest anti-cycling tirade by Jeremy Clarkson was so bland that someone suggested it's as if they got an AI to write it while he's away on holiday. Well, we actually tried it out (with ChatGPT of course) and the result mildly shocked us, which is more than the emotion we felt while reading Saturday’s edition of The Sun.

After a pretty hostile reaction to a previous Sun column picking on a certain member of the Royal Family, Jeremy Clarkson returned to his familiar safe space for this weekend's effort.

But with such tired old tropes being wheeled out yet again, there was some speculation that the former Top Gear presenter could have just got AI to file his anti-cycling article for this week's paycheck while he sat back. So, what would happen if we asked AI to write us an anti-cycling article in the style of Mr Clarkson? Here goes... 

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a bone to pick with a certain group of people who have been causing chaos on our roads for far too long. Yes, I'm talking about cyclists. Now, I know what you're thinking - "Oh, here we go again, another rant about cyclists from a car enthusiast." But let me tell you, this isn't about cars vs bikes. This is about common sense vs madness.

I mean, have you seen these Lycra-clad lunatics? They think they own the road! They whizz past you on the pavement without a care in the world, and then expect you to give way to them when they're on the road. And don't even get me started on those traffic lights. Why bother having them at all when cyclists just sail through them as if they don't exist?

But it's not just their disregard for traffic laws that bothers me. It's the way they ride. They wobble all over the place like they're drunk, and then they have the audacity to blame motorists for not giving them enough space. Newsflash, cyclists - if you're going to ride on the road, you need to be able to control your bike. It's not rocket science.

And what's with all the accessories? Helmets, reflective jackets, little lights on their bikes - it's like they're trying to make up for their lack of horsepower with all this flashy gear. But let me tell you, no amount of neon yellow is going to save you from a two-tonne SUV hurtling towards you at 60 miles an hour.

And don't even get me started on the Tour de France. It's like a bunch of grown men in nappies, cycling around France like it's some sort of achievement. And what do they win? A silly little yellow jersey. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to put up with the traffic chaos they cause.

Now, I know there are some of you out there who will defend cyclists to the death. You'll tell me how they're reducing congestion and pollution, how they're getting exercise and staying healthy, how they're saving the planet. But let me tell you, all of that is just a load of hot air. The truth is, these anti-car zealots are just trying to force their lifestyle choices on the rest of us.

So, if you see a cyclist on the road, don't give them an inch. Don't let them push you around. Stand up for yourself and for the right of motorists to use the road without fear of being run over by some idiot on a bike. It's time to put an end to this madness once and for all.

So, what do you think, is the AI Clarkson's column better than the effort from the man himself? Let us know in the comments as always...

Adwitiya joined road.cc in 2023 as a news writer after graduating with a masters in journalism from Cardiff University. His dissertation focused on active travel, which soon threw him into the deep end of covering everything related to the two-wheeled tool, and now cycling is as big a part of his life as guitars and football. He has previously covered local and national politics for Voice Wales, and also likes to writes about science, tech and the environment, if he can find the time. Living right next to the Taff trail in the Welsh capital, you can find him trying to tackle the brutal climbs in the valleys.

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36 comments

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OldRidgeback | 11 months ago
2 likes

Using AI to write Clarkson-like content would save a lot of dosh for whatever media outlets are paying that old fart money for words.

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Zebra | 11 months ago
2 likes

What you have to remember about Clarkson is that not even he believes the things he writes and says.  He often bangs on about how cars are more fun with less of the tech driving assistance available, but openly admits that the only time he ever turns traction control off in a car is when he is driving past a camera on a shoot. He has derided environmental arguments for years (and still does), but has done many projects on his land aimed at preserving and helping nature.  He now rides a bike. Sometimes. 

He largely abandoned actual journalism, to be an entertainer, some years ago.  He writes for an audience, and is quite clever about how he does it.  Notably the anti-cyclist article was in the Sun and not the Times, for whom he also writes.  I doubt that The Times would run it, or that he would even bother submitting it to The Times.  I am not saying that it is harmless by any means, and it is an indictment on the Sun's editorial policies (if they have any), but criticising Clarkson is largely pointless. He knows it is tosh, but that is what they pay him for. Perhaps that is the point of this article, but Clarkson's will be better and more entertainingly written, regardless of the subject matter. 

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eburtthebike replied to Zebra | 11 months ago
2 likes

"What you have to remember about Clarkson is that not even he believes the things he writes and says."

Maybe he doesn't, but other people do, so he is stoking hatred of cyclists just to make money.  Despicable doesn't really cover it.  Vile, nasty, tired, grumpy old man is a bit closer.

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Awavey replied to Zebra | 11 months ago
4 likes

But that brings us back to the point I raised earlier in the week, whilst I, you and most people might treat Clarksons writings as just a bit of character hes created and plays up for effect, to be largely ignored or not taken seriously, there are people who do believe it is real and agree with those ramblings (and the only reason it didnt appear in the Times because it looked written by a 2 year old) and how they respond or react to cyclists in their lives then changes as a result.

There are people who go to his farm shop expecting it to be like they saw on the tv with Clarkson knee deep in mud in a field or with his hand stuck up the backside of a cow like some latter day James Herriot. And are disappointed that it's totally not like that at all.

We know that creating out groups of people in the media, emboldens how that group are then treated by sections of people who dont get the, ha ha it was all just a jokey column to entertain.

When I see stuff like that, and then I get close passed or treated badly on the road by a motorist, I'm left questioning were they acting out of pure spite or are they being influenced by a leading tv figure/columnist in a national newspaper who told them it's ok to think cyclists are annoying, idiotic, deliberately getting n their way holding them up, because "they worked hard to buy a car",and I'm just "two wheeled stasi" in my "sinister uniform" and that cyclists arent "normal" and are part of a "bitter and sinister culture" ?

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NotNigel replied to Awavey | 11 months ago
2 likes

You've only got to look at brexit to see how the media can sway public opinion.

I've had family members, out of the blue, show their disgust towards Meghan Markle, when up until the media frenzy about her, they'd shown no interest in the royals whatsoever.

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David9694 replied to NotNigel | 11 months ago
2 likes

Jeremy Clarkson apologises, but is not sorry  - and I've excluded Meghan from the search. 

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eburtthebike | 11 months ago
0 likes

Bonus that the AI is prettier.

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tubasti | 11 months ago
2 likes

Shit, I thought that was the real thing.

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ITK2012 | 11 months ago
0 likes

That was disappointingly bad, perhaps in a few more years AI will be able to trick the average human.

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eburtthebike | 11 months ago
0 likes

Speaking of AI, I'm wondering just how many of those anti-cycling fb et al comments are from real people?

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Daclu Trelub | 11 months ago
3 likes

Computer! Write anti-Jeremy Clarkson article with reference to bicycles...

 

"It's disheartening to see people like Jeremy Clarkson, who promote a culture of reckless driving and gas-guzzling vehicles, completely disregarding the potential benefits of cycling. Rather than encouraging individuals to make environmentally conscious choices, he perpetuates a dangerous and outdated notion that cars are the only viable mode of transportation.

Moreover, Clarkson's disdain for cyclists is unacceptable. It's not only insensitive, but it also perpetuates a dangerous culture of animosity between motorists and cyclists. As someone with a significant following, he has a responsibility to promote safety and respect on the road, not to propagate hatred towards those who choose to cycle.

It's high time that we prioritize the health of our planet and ourselves, and embrace sustainable modes of transportation like bicycles. We should encourage and celebrate those who choose to cycle, rather than deriding them as a nuisance on the road. The future of our planet and our collective well-being depend on it."

Well, saved me doing it.

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Charlieeagles | 11 months ago
1 like

Jeremy Clarkson is an anti cyclist pig. He is rude,arrogant and ignorant to the core! As a cyclist myself, I have every right to be on the road as anyone else. Anyone who says that I don't pay Road tax , nor do they. It doesn't exist. It is called vehicle tax. Anyone who says that I don't pay insurance, yes I do. It is included in my household account. Yes, people cycle along pavements. Yes, people cycle at night without lights, but I don't. And have seen drivers do the same. Hi vis clothing keeps me safe, as do the lights that I use, not just on my bikes, but also on my head. I am also careful enough to use a helmet, which by doing so, has kept me safe and alive. So, Jeremy Clarkson, do the world a favour and shut up! 

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Rezis | 11 months ago
2 likes

So if AI Chatbots use internet posted text to generate their responses, surely these posts are just making things worse!

Can we please start generating Chatbot responses on why cycling is good??!!

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Rich_cb | 11 months ago
3 likes

Those Chat Bots are going to put a lot of journalists out of work.

Reach Media published their first AI generated articles recently.

One happened to be about Newport which I know fairly well. It's pretty much indistinguishable from similar articles written by humans.

https://www.inyourarea.co.uk/news/seven-things-to-do-in-newport/

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chrisonabike replied to Rich_cb | 11 months ago
0 likes

Potential may be limited by a feedback loop where all the articles used to train the AI or source material will be written by chatbots - either run by stingy editors, lazy journalists or people saying "look what the chatbot wrote!".

Will that hasten the machines' self-awareness? Or just make them a parody of themselves?

"Hey chatGPT, wow me an article about the AI singularity"...

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Rich_cb replied to chrisonabike | 11 months ago
2 likes

If you consider how many articles are either rehashes of earlier articles, simple lists of things or lightly edited press releases then you realise quite how much journalism will be easily automated in the next few years.

Likewise for voice over artists and even actors.

AI is coming for the creative industries with a SkyNet like vengeance.

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chrisonabike replied to Rich_cb | 11 months ago
0 likes

It's a churnalism-killer and may do for copywriters too. As thisismyusername says that'll probably just lead to different levels of markets.

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levestane replied to Rich_cb | 11 months ago
0 likes

... and probably more than the creative industries, language is our OS.

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Mungecrundle | 11 months ago
0 likes

Just out of curiosity to those who have been playing with ChatGPT. Do the responses include references to authoritative articles or does it just* reproduce a mash up of opinion from related postings that it has access to?

*Quite impressive though that is.

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stomec replied to Mungecrundle | 11 months ago
2 likes

Mungecrundle wrote:

Just out of curiosity to those who have been playing with ChatGPT. Do the responses include references to authoritative articles or does it just* reproduce a mash up of opinion from related postings that it has access to? *Quite impressive though that is.

Interestingly if you ask it for an academic style of writing with references it will produce that, and some of the references may well be relevant papers that support the argument. Some however will be invented, but with the names of authors that write in the field for instance. 

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ShutTheFrontDawes replied to stomec | 11 months ago
0 likes
stomec wrote:

Mungecrundle wrote:

Just out of curiosity to those who have been playing with ChatGPT. Do the responses include references to authoritative articles or does it just* reproduce a mash up of opinion from related postings that it has access to? *Quite impressive though that is.

Interestingly if you ask it for an academic style of writing with references it will produce that, and some of the references may well be relevant papers that support the argument. Some however will be invented, but with the names of authors that write in the field for instance. 

I can think of a few posters on here that do the same, so it's only to be expected that a tool with AI/ML would do it too. I wonder if you challenge it with an opposing view, will it just brand your references as 'bad science'? That'd pass the Turing Test for me for sure.

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shufflingb replied to Mungecrundle | 11 months ago
0 likes

ChatGPT (GPT 3.5 free, GPT4.0 paid) - no the model does not explicitly store primary references to its source data (with the amount of training data the model would be impractically large). However, if the source material itself, contains its own references, say something like an academic paper, then those secondary references will be in the model in some form.

While for "new" Bing (GPT4.0 + MS goodness) it isn't storing primary references either. Instead what the MS part is doing is something like recognising things that need references, then using regular search to find suitable URL's.

At the moment the Bing approach seems to to produce the most reliable references, but even that really does need to be checked very carefully.

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Xenophon2 | 11 months ago
7 likes

I've never read anything written by Clarkson and have no eperience with chatgtp or its ilk but the style resembles a writing effort by a 13 year old who has trouble gathering their thoughts and pouring them into a coherent sentence.  

From the other comments I gather that accurately emulates Clarkson....

 

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Calc | 11 months ago
4 likes

Really uncanny. This does mean that AI has huge amounts of hate to train on. Which is a worry. The only thing it didn't do, which JC would have done, was include an entirely fictional anecdote about bossy transgender cyclists at his cafe and an off topic mention of a female celebrity's tight clothing.

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Ride On | 11 months ago
3 likes

D-

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ubercurmudgeon | 11 months ago
5 likes

Great, you've trained the proto-Skynet so that, when it does inevitably try to take over, it'll send the HKs after us cyclists first. Super idea. Thanks a lot.

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Awavey | 11 months ago
3 likes

are we sure it didnt just copy one he wrote before

thing is how clever is it ? if you ask it to write one in the style of Richard Littlejohn, Matthew Paris or that guy off TalkRadio, do you get basically the same article ?

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Bezzard74 replied to Awavey | 11 months ago
1 like

I just asked Bard do just that...

Write an article about cyclists in the style of nick ferrari

Nick Ferrari: "I'm sick of it. I'm sick of cyclists thinking they own the road. I'm sick of them running red lights, cycling on pavements, and not even bothering to wear a helmet. I'm sick of them thinking they're above the law. And I'm sick of them making the rest of us pay for their recklessness.

"Just this week, a cyclist was killed in a collision with a bus. And it's not the first time. Cyclists are dying on our roads at an alarming rate. And it's not just them who are at risk. Pedestrians are also being killed by cyclists.

"Something needs to be done. Cyclists need to start taking responsibility for their own safety. They need to obey the rules of the road. And they need to wear a helmet. It's not rocket science.

"But it's not just cyclists who need to change. Drivers need to be more aware of cyclists. They need to give them space on the road. And they need to be patient.

"We all need to work together to make our roads safer for everyone. Cyclists, drivers, and pedestrians. We all need to do our bit.

"So come on, cyclists. Let's start taking this seriously. Let's start obeying the rules of the road. And let's start wearing a helmet. It could save your life."

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PRSboy | 11 months ago
5 likes

It's good but far too balanced. No anti-cyclist article has ever noted that hi viz, a helmet and a light will help against an SUV which hits you at 60 mph. 

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Boopop | 11 months ago
4 likes

I've got access to Google's competitor, "Bard", here's some of its attempts to the request to "Write an opinion piece in the style of Jeremy Clarkson on cyclists.":

1.

"I'm a man of many talents. I can drive a car, fly a plane, and even build a house. But there's one thing I can't do, and that's cycle.

I've tried, I really have. But I just can't seem to get the hang of it. I always seem to end up falling off, or getting hit by a car.

And that's why I hate cyclists.

They're always in the way, and they never seem to follow the rules of the road. They cycle on the pavement, they don't wear helmets, and they don't even have lights on their bikes at night.

And the worst part is, they think they're better than everyone else. They think they're saving the planet, and that they're doing the world a favor by cycling.

But they're not. They're just making life more difficult for everyone else.

So next time you see a cyclist, just remember, they're not doing you any favors. They're just making life more difficult for everyone else.

And that's why I hate cyclists."

2. "Cyclists. They're everywhere. And they're all a bunch of sanctimonious, self-righteous, holier-than-thou pricks.

I mean, seriously. They ride around on their little bikes, wearing their stupid Lycra outfits, and they think they're better than everyone else. They think they're saving the planet, when in reality they're just making it worse.

First of all, cycling is not good for the environment. The production of bicycles requires the use of a lot of energy and resources, and the manufacturing process also releases a lot of pollution. And then, when you factor in the fact that most cyclists use cars to get to the places where they can cycle, the whole thing becomes a complete waste of time.

But that's not all. Cyclists are also a danger to themselves and to others. They ride on the roads, but they don't follow the rules of the road. They don't signal when they're turning, they don't stop at red lights, and they don't even wear helmets. And then, when they get into an accident, they're the first ones to sue the driver of the car.

So, if you're a cyclist, I have one thing to say to you: Get off the road and get a life. You're a danger to yourself and to others, and you're making the world a worse place.

And if you're not a cyclist, then I have one thing to say to you: Be careful when you're driving. These people are everywhere, and they're all crazy."

3."I'm Jeremy Clarkson, and I hate cyclists.

Not just the ones who ride on the pavement, or the ones who don't wear helmets, or the ones who jump red lights. I hate all of them.

They're a menace to society. They clog up the roads, they pollute the air, and they're always getting in the way.

And they're not even good for the environment. The production of bicycles requires the use of oil and other resources, and the manufacture of bike tyres and tubes is a major source of pollution.

So there you have it. Cyclists are bad for the environment, they're bad for society, and they're just plain annoying.

If you're a cyclist, please do us all a favour and give it up. Get a car, or take the bus. Or just walk.

But whatever you do, don't cycle. It's bad for everyone.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I'm just a grumpy old man who hates anything that's different.

But I'm not. I'm a rational, intelligent person who has come to the conclusion that cyclists are a menace to society.

I've seen the evidence. I've seen the cyclists who ride on the pavement, who don't wear helmets, and who jump red lights.

I've seen the damage they do to the roads, the pollution they cause, and the inconvenience they cause to everyone else."

I think it's safe to say that Clarkson's views on cycling are entirely predictable. The claim that he can't ride a bike was false though.

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