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We asked AI to write us an anti-cyclist article in the style of Jeremy Clarkson: Here's what it came up with

We think all of us can at least agree that the AI is in top gear

The Sun's latest anti-cycling tirade by Jeremy Clarkson was so bland that someone suggested it's as if they got an AI to write it while he's away on holiday. Well, we actually tried it out (with ChatGPT of course) and the result mildly shocked us, which is more than the emotion we felt while reading Saturday’s edition of The Sun.

After a pretty hostile reaction to a previous Sun column picking on a certain member of the Royal Family, Jeremy Clarkson returned to his familiar safe space for this weekend's effort.

But with such tired old tropes being wheeled out yet again, there was some speculation that the former Top Gear presenter could have just got AI to file his anti-cycling article for this week's paycheck while he sat back. So, what would happen if we asked AI to write us an anti-cycling article in the style of Mr Clarkson? Here goes... 

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a bone to pick with a certain group of people who have been causing chaos on our roads for far too long. Yes, I'm talking about cyclists. Now, I know what you're thinking - "Oh, here we go again, another rant about cyclists from a car enthusiast." But let me tell you, this isn't about cars vs bikes. This is about common sense vs madness.

I mean, have you seen these Lycra-clad lunatics? They think they own the road! They whizz past you on the pavement without a care in the world, and then expect you to give way to them when they're on the road. And don't even get me started on those traffic lights. Why bother having them at all when cyclists just sail through them as if they don't exist?

But it's not just their disregard for traffic laws that bothers me. It's the way they ride. They wobble all over the place like they're drunk, and then they have the audacity to blame motorists for not giving them enough space. Newsflash, cyclists - if you're going to ride on the road, you need to be able to control your bike. It's not rocket science.

And what's with all the accessories? Helmets, reflective jackets, little lights on their bikes - it's like they're trying to make up for their lack of horsepower with all this flashy gear. But let me tell you, no amount of neon yellow is going to save you from a two-tonne SUV hurtling towards you at 60 miles an hour.

And don't even get me started on the Tour de France. It's like a bunch of grown men in nappies, cycling around France like it's some sort of achievement. And what do they win? A silly little yellow jersey. Meanwhile, the rest of us have to put up with the traffic chaos they cause.

Now, I know there are some of you out there who will defend cyclists to the death. You'll tell me how they're reducing congestion and pollution, how they're getting exercise and staying healthy, how they're saving the planet. But let me tell you, all of that is just a load of hot air. The truth is, these anti-car zealots are just trying to force their lifestyle choices on the rest of us.

So, if you see a cyclist on the road, don't give them an inch. Don't let them push you around. Stand up for yourself and for the right of motorists to use the road without fear of being run over by some idiot on a bike. It's time to put an end to this madness once and for all.

So, what do you think, is the AI Clarkson's column better than the effort from the man himself? Let us know in the comments as always...

Adwitiya joined in 2023 after finishing his masters in Journalism from Cardiff University, with a dissertation focusing on active travel. He's currently living in Cardiff and for the most part moans about the abruptly ending cycle lanes, if he's not cursing the headwind. Adwitiya also covers local and national politics for Voice Wales, and sometimes dabbles in topics related to science, tech and the environment. Cycling became a part of his life just a couple of years ago, and now he can't think of a single reason why anyone would drive if they could cycle. He usually uses his bike for commuting, but he also loves excursions on the Taff trail, however never underestimate his ability to find an excuse to watch something on GCN instead.

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