Graeme Obree speaks about depression and suicide in wake of Gary Speed's death

Graham's been an incredibly brave and influential character in sport for talking so candidly about this, and I've found his ability to capture the feelings so clearly in writing very comforting in an odd way in that it shows me other people have felt the same way and lived to say that there's something else to look forward to.

I have tried to express what he has but can never quite articulate it as it seems self-indulgent or weak when I do. Despite writing a blog on here regularly earlier this year I've not been on here in ages because I've been caught in a nosedive following my accident in April. I went from riding my bike every day, feeling fit and positive enough to take on the Etape to being totally crippled by self doubt and unable to look people in the eye and it still feels like I'm just scraping along the bottom of life; even though the physical injuries have gone it's all I can do to force myself out the house and to work in the morning and though I'll lay my gear out and pump the tires on my road bike the night before a planned ride, I wake up and find myself stuck in a mire of despair and can't do it. The accident played a part in that I wasn't able to ride for a couple of months and that, combined with forced inactivity in general was enough to tip the scales and start that long, suffocating descent into darkness.

Once it starts there's very little to do apart from grip the sides tight and pray that you'll come out the other side some day. I don't know how to describe it better than Obree, and I can't offer much advice but for me medication is a very tough call as previously although it helped in the short term, it left me feeling totally alien and devoid of feeling-like I could walk through life and never be touched by anything again, which is incredibly disturbing.

The NHS takes a band-aid approach much like with anything else that is percieved as non-critical-CBT for me is like dog training or something and the doctor himself was almost apologetic in offering it to me, although he was still better than another one that asked me if speaking with a priest might be of interest (I'm not religious and have never expressed any desire to do so...) so all that leaves is paying for very expensive psychotherapy privately. I used to run my way out of depression until my knees went (NHS again not interested in anything other than the most cost-effective remedy, regardless of success) then riding my bike probably saved my life until an idiot driver almost put me out of my misery for good, so now I'm not sure where the answer lies though I'm trying to save up for some time somewhere quiet and warm to ride myself up and down a hill until I feel better again.

On the subject of getting help, the best place to start is with your friends or family. It's sad that people struggle with depression without sharing it with those closest to them. Usually it's because they don't want to burden them with their problems. Forget about that!

Do you work for or just like to advertise Meditation trust?

Is there a need to say it 3 times in as many posts? Yes it may work, but it certainly didn't for me and i would advise people to get professional help before meditational help anyway, it wouldn't be a first port of call i would give anyone and after my experience's trying various different forms, i wouldn't go near it again

Like the above comments,havin suffered from depression myself for over 15years and lost my brother to suicide,its good to see people coming out and speaking about depression,the only good thing to come out of gary speeds suicide is that people are coming out and speaking about it,for years i had no where to turn,doctors would say here some pills and see how you get on and i aways thought theirs got to be a better way than this,fortunate for me i found tm meditation,all my depression and an anxiety and fears have disappered over the years,it is the best form of stress release any one could do and its so simple to learn and do. Google info at Meditation Trust

Like some annoying wheel sucker I have been following this articles posts since it came out. It is refreshing to see so much sense and wisdom written about something so complex and emotive.

I have never experienced depression so admit I do not know what it is like to live with. As a cyclist I sometimes try to imagine depression as being forever stuck alone on the hill from hell on my nightmare day. The incline never relents my: heart, lungs, legs and head just want to burst but they won't. I know it is a hopeless struggle. I want to climb off and cry, but somehow my cleats are welded to the pedals. There is no option but to go on. So with every pedal stroke the ever deepening abyss at my side becomes ever more inviting. I know this is a simplistic analogy but it works for me even if it doesn't get even close to the true misery that is depression.

There is so much in these posts that talks about the reality of living with depression particularly that lonely isolation that can never be experienced by others. Yet the cruelly ironic and sad fact is that it is a loneliness experienced by many others. Suicide is the largest single cause of death for the 5 to 35 year old age bracket and males are about 3.8 times more likely to take their own lives than females, I do not claim that either genders journey with depression is any worse than the others but there would appear to be a response differences based on gender.

As some contributors points out exercise does help but research is indicating that this is only true for males, for women cycling seems to be of neutral impact on the condition. But hey it's all distribution curves so if it works for you it works.

Everyone acknowledges that the most important step towards recovery is admitting you need help and that help will be different for different people. Accessing the help that you need/want maybe a different matter, indeed a battle in its own right. A battle that is made all the harder when the depression is telling you that you that it is all hopeless and anyway you are not worthy of help, just please keep asking. Once accessed do not expect a magic tablet or therapy (to be honest they do not exist) all treatments (if you want to call them that) take time. So give your treatment time remember In some cases you will feel worse before you feel better, and protect yourself, be honest about what is happening to you and how you feel.

I suspect Ultimately the solution comes from within the person, this shouldn't be surprising you are doing the real work. If I can make another cycling analogy it is like being a sprinter in a grand tour team. There are eight other cyclists in the team each plays a part in ensuring that you get to the finishing straights with the opportunity to sprint. Along the way they will try to protect you, nourish you and help you through the the tough sections. However, at the end of the day you are the one that travels the route and does the sprinting, so it is with depression but with depression anyone who crosses the line is a winner. Unfortunately this perspective does allow some care professionals the get out clause of blaming the patient when things are not going to plan.

I hope this does not come over all doom and gloom or alternatively that what needs to be done is to “pull yourself together” or “leave it to the medics”. These kind of sentiments are far from my perspective there are no such simple certainties, but I sometimes find myself wishing there were. What I do believe is that the true heroine or hero in any depression story is the depressed person.

So to all the contributors to this thread who have given a bit of their story I end with the traditional cyclists pronouncement of respect Chapeau!

Thanks to everyone for some great posts. I reckon depression is quite common among cyclists, maybe for some of us it is a reason why we NEED to turn those pedals. Sometimes I have no energy at all, and even wonder if its CFS or ME but then I have a spin on the rollers, or a turbo session or occasionally venture outside! Then I always feel better, shows it's a chemical imbalance thing that I can right best with pedal spinning endorphins.

The real problem is that in this country it's very hard to get proper help until you are already suicidal and even then it's not great. If you are a drug addict or a alcoholic or anorexic you may be able to get some help, but if you're depressed, you're out of luck.

We have a very poor attitude to mental health in general and apart from a few charities there is no consistent, national support service you can go to that is properly funded. If you go to your GP you may, if you're lucky get 6 sessions with a partly qualified or trainee counselor working for free on placement or similar because the Gov doesn't provide proper funding for mental health problems like depression; even though, as much as 25% of the population have either ongoing problems or will experience a period of depression in the life.

So, hats off to people like Graeme Obree for standing up and taking about his experience, the more depression is put out there as a real problem that shouldn't be swept under the carpet or muttered about in hushed voices, the sooner it might get taken seriously.

abudhabiChris - both Asperger's Syndrome and Bipolar Disorder are considered disabilities under the Equality Act and the preceding Disability Discrimination Act. I am however having a battle with the Court Service which thinks I do not have a disability. I am hoping to get the EHRC to back me and I met with them last Friday. I'm about to email them about this.

The fact is if I have the condition there is no reason not to mention it. If an employer won't take me on because I have this condition (and I suspect two sister companies earlier this year did not because of this) then I don't want to work for them. If you are going to work for someone a condition as serious as Asperger's will become obvious and if you don't tell them they can't make allowances for you. (One solicitor once suggested to me that if I mentiong it then they wouldn't dare not employ me but I wouldn't want it to be like that). In fact if everyone was upfront about disabilities employers would realise how difficult it would be to discriminate. Last week I was at an event where a manager from CancerResearch UK (whom I believe plotted to have me sacked) claimed they found it difficult to get skilled staff so I challenged him whether they had sacked their first Systems Administrator (ie me) for his disability. He denied this, but I pointed out that it was hard to understand how a company that claimed to be a diverse employer could sack someone because they "would not fit in" (the actual words used at tribunal).

Employers aren't allowed to ask if you have a condition under the Equality Act however this does mean that some employers try to ignore issues of mental health. They take a "head in the sand" approach which helps no-one.

Getting back to the point of this article I don't normally watch Football Focus but I watched it yesterday to see how they handled Gary's death. I thought they did really well and they were definitely upset by what had happened.

Have started a thread in the Tea Stop forum if for anyone who wants to discuss mental health and cycling

Obree is proving to have the same strength of character off track that he had on. The posts above are also a remarkable contribution, both brave and supportive.

I have to agree that difficult as it is, actually acknowledging you have depression is the key.

I'm just getting back to some normality after my second prolonged episode of depression. My wife caught me looking up depression on the web and I'm glad she did. She pursuaded me to go the doctor and get help and I now know that I was at breaking point.

I have two kids, a wife and other family who I love dearly, but I had reached a point where I had no self confidence, I felt hopeless and I was in a trance like state.

All I did was work and try to sleep, however when I closed my eyes I couldn't get rid of the vivid horrific images in head.

I couldn't see a way out before getting help, but unlike some, I never really contemplated suicide, although I thought that if I got knocked off my bike and seriously injured at least I could spend some time in hospital and get off the mad merry-go-round.

Since being diagnosed with depression I now take medication and I've had CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy.) Only a few of my close friends and family know about my depression as I still feel that it still not that well accepted by those who have not experienced it. As could be the case with Gary Speed, nobody at my work knew how much I had been suffering for the last 18 months.

My final thoughts are if you are reading this and it describes how you are feeling, swallow your pride and get some help.

RIP GRAY SPEED

If you've been there it's very clear. If you haven't it's hard to understand, and easy to make it worse for the sufferer near you. It takes more than words of encouragement, even if they're not "pull yourself together".

The sufferer has to learn to recognise the downward spiral as early as possible. They then need to learn thinking patterns that reverse the decline. I believe that otherwise the decline will always ultimately end in the same place, with the ultimate price. It may take much longer for some than others but depression feeds on itself, and without intervention from the sufferer or those around them can only go one way.

This isn't meant to be fatalistic or doom-mongering, but realistic. Drugs can help, but they're only a sticking plaster that buys time to address the underlying problem.

If you go through depression and come out the other side once, although it may return you are better placed to deal with it in the future. There is hope, always, but ignoring the issue won't make it go away.

Great read, thanks for sharing that. I have a friend that suffers depression and I never really understood it, but reading the above has made it clearer for me! Thanks again.

Thank you Graeme for speaking!

I love riding because when my legs are turning, I'm so much less likely to get caught up in depressive thought loops.

But then again, could I be cycleholic?

Speaking as someone who has had to battle mental health issues I'm pleased to see the solidarity and support here. Can I also suggest

http://www.mind.org.uk/

In response to the earlier comments about suicide by train etc. I worked for many years in the railway industry and it was my experience that ironically the people who truly wanted to kill themselves rarely managed it whilst idiotic people mucking about / drunk almost invariably did.

It is very hard for the people left behind in such circumstances, they are seeking for reason, for meaning, and there may be no relief for them, depression holds people in thrall and they do not feel that they can open up to family, often because of a misguided wish to avoid burdening family / friends. It's no one's fault, it's just bloody cruel.

Paradoxically depression isn't that uncommon amongst high achievers. From the outside Gary Speed was very successful, but from what I gather was suffering from depression. (Although I wouldn't want to get ahead of the inquest, which might find other reasons for his death).

This is nothing new. In the biblical story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal on Mount Carmel after God answered his prayers with fire (oh to be able to pray like that!) Elijah went into a very deep depression. If he were alive today he would probably be diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder (what used to be called Manic Depression - in which a person alternates between extreme states). Bipolar is treatable with medication however the side-effects affect sporting performance (which is why I refuse to take mine!).

Unfortunately our so called civilised society doesn't take account of mental health problems. I have been advised to remove my diagnosis of Asperger's from my CV (which is worse than Bipolar as there's no medication for it).

I would hope that Gary Speed's apparent suicide might make people realise that mental health problems need to be taken account of. Unfortunately media portrayals of mental health problems are usually negative, for example labelling people according to their conditions.

With that said, please be aware that the signature below is meant to be humorous not offensive!

I find myself wanting to say, "It's comforting to know that I am not alone." But it is also sad that I am having that thought in the first place.

Thanks for the honesty.

Some links that a couple of friends and I have used in the past to speak to someone

http://www.depression-chat-rooms.org/
http://www.depression-understood.org/
http://www.survivingdepression.net/mainmenu/depression.html

Then finally a charity which i support, they are based in America, but will respond to email's almost 24/7

http://www.twloha.com/index.php

with this page full of helpful links and places to seek help

http://www.twloha.com/find-help/

I have a similar experience to Gkam, and am pleased to hear the Obree interview. Talking about it is essential to everybody involved. Obviously most importantly the person who is suffering, but on a larger scale as a society as well. Hopefully it will in time become easier to discuss

It's important to point out that everyone is capable of creating their own personal and unique Hell from which there will seem to be only one way out. Most people will not have discussed it with anyone. It's a very good description from Obree but the isolation is hard to express in words. I cannot stress enough there is always someone on the end of a phone or internet forum

The news of Gary Speeds suicide has for me been the most distressing news of the year but as Obree points out I am very luck to be in a position to regret my previous actions.

I can only echo what Gkam said earlier you are never alone. GP, mental health services, phone, the net all help but get in touch with someone

Good for Obree to speak about it in that way, and also to focus on the people left behind.

That was my first reaction when I saw the story about Speed's death... how awful it must be for his wife and children.

A close friend of my wife threw herself in front of a train last year, leaving a husband and two children - perfectly normal middle-class family. She'd been due to have lunch with her the next day.

Initially they didn't reveal it was suicide, but said she had been hit by a car. My wife was upset enough when she first heard but once she knew it suicide all those thoughts started going around in her head - had she missed some 'cry for help', was there anything that might have changed the situation.

I realise people suffering depression are mentally in a completely different place, but it has always seemed a very selfish act to me. No doubt that doesn't seem the case to someone seriously contemplating it - I guess one just can't understand it unless you've been there.

A lot of people don't understand depression (and I mean the real thing, not feeling down in the dumps). A clear and articulate interview from Graeme, as always. The more these things are spoken about the easier it will be for others to empathise and begin to understand what the sufferer may be going through.

Gkam84, I don't think a contribution such as yours is awful at all. Any death like this is truly awful, but talking about depression, mental health and so on openly and constructively can only help. If you can it would help if you could include some links for others, you never know who may find it useful. It's all well the help being 'out there' but depressed people often don't know what to do about their predicament.

Great post, Gkam. I've had depression too, and what Graeme wrote, about being in a bell jar, just observing the world and feeling trapped in your own bubble of unhappiness sums up how I often feel.

I hope that any one else reading these posts who have depression, but have not taken that huge step to try and sort it out will take some strength from what Graeme and Gkam have written and get some help. I know that asking for help is harder than riding LEJOG, climbing the highest mountain, or swimming the channel - but you've got to do it. Even if it's talking to a stranger on the internet or the other end of the phone.

Or, why not check out this blog - another Graeme who had depression decided to cycle around the coast of the UK. Some of the posts are really inspirational!

http://graemewillgress.com/